Phases of a Betrayed Partner’s Recovery: Phase 1
Phase 1 – Safety & Stabilization
Healing happens in phases: (Adapted from Steffens, 2013; APSATS Model)
Phase 1: Safety & Stabilization
Phase 2: Grief & Meaning-Making
Phase 3: Reconnection & Growth
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Phase 1 – Safety & Stabilization
Discovery
Disclosure
Relational Abuse: Education & Awareness
Stabilization – Managing Emotions & Triggers
A bomb has gone off in your life. Everything is up in the air. Everything you thought was solid is now shaky. You don’t know what is real anymore. Anger and confusion are common. This is the crisis management phase.
Often, we internalize this pain and ask:
“Was I not pretty enough?”
“Was I not sexy enough?”
“Did I not give them enough attention?”
“Did I not fulfill their needs?”
Key Lesson: Betrayal is not about you. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! It is not a reflection of your worth. Betrayal impacts you deeply, and it is not your fault. Infidelity is 100% about your partner’s choices.
Your focus in Phase 1:
Manage overwhelming emotions
Reduce triggers
Learn to ground yourself in the chaos
Betrayal trauma impacts the parts of the brain responsible for emotional regulation and articulation. That’s why it might feel hard to find the words to describe your experience. This phase often feels chaotic, disorienting, and filled with brain fog. Stabilization is essential.
Therapeutic Disclosure
If you're considering staying with your partner, I recommend a Full Therapeutic Disclosure process. This allows for the full truth to come to light in a safe, structured setting—so that healing can begin. It is very hard to move forward when you don’t know exactly what you are trying to move on from.
Emotional Abuse
Infidelity often involves emotional abuse. The cheating partner may use tactics to avoid the consequences of their behavior, such as:
Lying
Deceiving
Minimizing
Rationalizing
Justifying
Gaslighting
These behaviors create an unsafe environment for the betrayed partner. It takes time and consistency to determine if your partner is truly doing their own recovery work. It also takes effort to understand the impact these behaviors have had on you.
As you can see, this first stage is all about Safety and Stabilization, and there is a lot of work to be done.
How Long Should Phase 1 Take?
I really wish I could give you a clear timeline—I really do. But the honest answer is: it depends. I know that sucks. I always hated when people said that to me.
If your partner is still:
Lying
Acting out
Disrespecting your boundaries
Giving only bits and pieces of the truth (the “drip, drip, drip” effect)
...then the clock keeps getting reset.
You cannot move beyond Safety and Stabilization until actual safety and stability exist.
If your partner is unwilling or unable to do the necessary work, you may feel stuck here longer than you’d like. You might consider emotional detachment or a therapeutic separation to create space for your healing.
Important Reminder:
Betrayed partners have more power than they realize.
Recognizing your choices—even if they’re painful—helps you reclaim your voice and take the next right step forward.
It is completely normal to want to rush through this phase. But please be gentle with yourself and give yourself some grace.
You are exactly where you need to be on your healing journey— and you are doing great.
